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About Sarah

  • Member Since: June 18, 2015

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Sarah is a student at College of the Canyons and likes to take long walks on the beach. She loves everything jazz, and is aware of every kind of cheese known to man. There's no such thing as a perfect woman, but if there were, she is second to last - and she'll take it.

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Posts / Recent blog posts

Local Crime

| Police Blotter | May 5, 2019

Four individuals from Patterson were arrested for burglary from a vehicle, including an unemployed 21-year-old, an unemployed 20-year-old, an unemployed 19-year-old and a 21-year-old material handler.

Both a 41-year-old real estate agent from Castaic and a 26-year-old hair stylist from Canyon Country were arrested for corporal injury on a spouse/cohabitant. And a 25-year-old student from Canyon Country was arrested for battery.

A 20-year-old Van Nuys resident was arrested for obstructing/resisting an executive officer.

An unemployed 21-year-old Lancaster resident was booked for theft of personal property.

DUIs with prior arrests include:

26-year-old contractor from Canyon Country
28-year-old body shop worker from Chatsworth
26-year-old stage hand from Thousand Oaks
34-year-old painter from North Hills
55-year-old self-employed Saugus resident
20-year-old construction worker from Temecula
27-year-old barista from Saugus
25-year-old plumber from Santa Clarita
26-year-old DJ from Lancaster
27-year-old staffing agent from Palmdale
26-year-old electrician from Saugus

Charges of possession of a controlled substance went to:

40-year-old laborer from Van Nuys
39-year-old unemployed Chatsworth resident
41-year-old Los Angeles resident
37-year-old unemployed Newhall resident
25-year-old unemployed Valencia resident
25-year-old unemployed Chatsworth resident
24-year-old unemployed Newhall resident
30-year-old self-employed Newhall resident
27-year-old unemployed Saugus resident
28-year-old from Saugus who listed his/her occupation as “homeless”
32-year-old assembler from Lynwood

Mike Dawson to Read ‘The Pact’ in Downtown L.A.

| Community | May 2, 2019

Voice and Co-Producer of the Adam Corolla Show, Mike Dawson, will be presenting a live reading of “The Pact” by local author Robert Patrick Lewis on Thursday, May 16 at 10e Restaurant in Los Angeles.

“The Pact,” written by former Green Beret Robert Patrick Lewis, is the first of a three-book fictional series based on true events.

Dawson, the narrator of Lewis’ audiobook, will read portions of “The Pact” during the Booze & Books event from 7-9 p.m. Following the reading, Lewis will sign books and stay for a Q&A with the audience.

Robert Patrick Lewis is a Green Beret OIF/OEF combat veteran with 10th SFG(A), CMO of Heroes Media Group, entrepreneur, MBA and award-winning author of Love Me When I’m Gone: The True Story of Life, Love and Loss for A Green Beret In Post-9/11 War , The Pact and The Pact Book II: Battle Hymn of the Republic. Follow him @RobertPLewis on Twitter or on his RobertPatrickLewisAuthor Facebook page.

Lions Club of Acton to Present Scholarship

| Community | May 2, 2019

Lions Club of Acton Scholarship Chair Joann Wayland will present a $1200 education scholarship to a qualified community-minded Acton/Agua Dulce student on Tuesday, May 7.

Lions are groups of service-minded men and women who are interested in doing volunteer work to improve their communities. The organization is for individuals seeking to become an active volunteer, a member of a respected international organization, a leader in the community and a friend to people in need.

The ceremony will take place near the Lions Club Bench at the northeast side of the Acton Park in Acton, Calif. The event starts at 5:30 p.m. and is open to the public. Those interested in attending should contact Club Secretary Scott Wedding at (661) 269-5476, or at sv_wedding@yahoo.com no later than 4 p.m. Monday May 6.

Lions Clubs International is the world’s largest service club organization with more than 1.4 million members in approximately 46,000 clubs in more than 200 countries and geographical areas around the world.

City Seal is Now Just an Ad for Plastic Surgery

| Entertainment | April 1, 2019

In light of recent concerns that the city seal does not so accurately represent the community, city officials decided on a new symbol that they feel better serves its constituency – an 11×8 glossy ad for plastic surgery.

“I just feel more comfortable pledging my allegiance to a mommy-makeover coupon,” said local PTA President Janice. “When I look around town, I don’t see a picket fence and a grassy hill; I see driveways littered with tummy tuck advertisements and billboards alerting me of flaws I never knew I had. My community is finally being represented.”

Petzold, Ferdman and Farley Now Honorary Members of Punk Band ‘Streetlight Manifesto’

| Opinion | January 3, 2019

(Satire)

For the past few weeks, three concerned Santa Clarita citizens have addressed grievances against the city’s latest proposed modification to streetlight assessments that would raise certain property owners’ yearly rates.

The three outspoken individuals, Steve Petzold, Alan Ferdman and James Farley, cared so much about these lights that they caught the attention of popular third-wave ska band Streetlight Manifesto.

“We never thought anyone would actually put out a real Streetlight Manifesto,” lead singer Tomas Kalnoky said. “We just thought the name sounded cool.”

The band’s discography uncannily aligns with that of the trio’s, including the album title, “The Hands That Thieve.”
“Once again, it was just supposed to sound cool. We never thought that it could be a metaphor for a municipality raising taxes for street lights,” Kalonky said.

The band also recognized these oversight overlords as having “intense anti-establishment, punk-rock energy.”

“Sure, we have mosh-pit energy, but we definitely don’t have the stamina to read through city contracts. They’re in.”

The group is planning to tour in 2019, with three additional bass players now in their line-up.

“We don’t even know if they play bass,” Kalonky said. “But that’s not the point. They’ve earned it.”

2018 in Review – The following articles are Satires Published in 2018. Read at your own risk.

| Opinion | December 28, 2018

SCV Residents Can Now Use Homeless Portal to ‘Help’ Homeless

SCV’s latest productive effort to aid the homeless involves a new app called “HomelessnessGO,” which will collect the homeless population and store them in an online database.

Here’s how it works: After downloading HomelessnessGO on a mobile device, the app tracks the user’s real location and leads them to the nearest transient. Upon reaching an encampment, the user can activate the “citation capsule,” discharging virtual citations to trap the offender. By simply dragging a finger across the screen, the user is able to fling these violation notices at the target, trapping them indefinitely in the portal.

To incentivize users, the app rewards points to especially active trappers, and these points can be redeemed at City Hall for small, non-cash rewards, like keychains and lanyards.
“Our Ad Hoc committee has been working tirelessly by the water cooler at City Hall to come up with a solution to the problem,” Mayor Pro Tem Cameron Smyth said. “This was honestly the best we could do.”

The application also allows users to connect with other players while capturing the homeless.

“You should just see Main Street at night,” Councilman Bob Kellar said. “It really brings the community together. This app is the one thing that keeps us from becoming the San Fernando Valley.”

For more information about HomelessnessGo and what you can do to further alienate the homeless, take a deep, long look at the person in the mirror staring back at you, or visit ww.Santa-Clarita.com.

Interns Wanted to Educate Bob Kellar about Reefer

Due to the recent legalization of marijuana in the state of California, the city is searching for young, street-wise interns to explain how marijuana works to Bob Kellar.

The city will be conducting a series of interviews in order to find the right candidate – preferably someone with enough patience and willpower to sit through hours of “back in my day…” and unwarranted real estate advice. Candidates are expected to know the difference between household spices and marijuana, and successfully list the distinct differences to the senior councilmember.

“With this project, the city hopes to end Kellar’s night terrors concerning the state of “dope in Santa Clarita,” said a city spokesperson. “Hopefully we will live to see a day when Bob ceases to break into the office at night (in just a robe), grab his trusty baseball bat and hunt for skateboarders who are out past curfew.”

SCV Cover Band Index Reaches Dangerous Proportions

The City of Santa Clarita recently announced the line-up for this summer’s Concerts in the Park – but experts are now warning the public of an impending crisis that could shake the city to its core.

Every summer, the city hosts a slew of bands at Central Park, while families picnic and teenagers try cigarettes. This year, however, the city’s CBI (Cover Band Index) is at an all-time high. Our town has never seen numbers like this, leading scientists and residents concerned about the consequences.

“It’s not necessarily the number of cover bands that is concerning this year,” a local geologist commented. “It’s the sheer magnitude, and potential energy, of the kinds of bands that are set to play this year.”

It’s Green Day. It’s the Foo Fighters. It’s catastrophe. Every single name on the lineup has enough potential energy to activate the inner angst in most middle-aged residents, and stir the existing angst in the smoking teenagers.

“What we’re looking at here is a humanitarian crisis in the making,” FEMA administrator Brock Long said. “First, one person starts head-banging, and the next thing you know, Uncle Greg is engaging in a mosh pit by the playground. That multiplied by the power of cover bands who try really hard. … It’s a mess.”

In fact, each cover band has a measurable effect on specific portions of the venue, beginning with aging fans at the front, followed by excitable parents in the middle, surrounded by emo/fringe teenagers on the outskirts. These hotspots determine how widespread the damage will be in direct relation to demographic.

“Slipping in a Tom Petty cover band isn’t going to be enough to cool things down,” a police officer said. “We will do the best we can this year to prevent as many white people from bouncing up and down to music as possible.”

Council OKs Court-Ordered ‘Time-Outs’

After a rather raucous council meeting concerning Santa Clarita’s stance on sanctuary cities, Mayor Laurene Weste quickly discovered the need for order in the chamber. Her solution: time-outs designed for grown adults.

At future council meetings, Weste reserves the right to “put naughty men and women in the corner until they learn how to behave.” If public participation gets out of hand, offenders will be escorted by sheriff’s deputy to the corner of the room until they have thought about what they’ve done.

“We will not have name-calling in public,” Bob Kellar said. “We reserve that kind of talk for the grown-ups in my cigar room.”

This initiative will take much-needed sheriffs off of the streets and put them in the council chambers where they will kindly ask the public to put signs away – over and over again.

“Our sheriffs have been training vigorously to perfect stern looks and ear-grabbing techniques,” Weste said. “I’m excited to see it carried out at our next meeting when we, as a city, take a stance on the war in Iraq.”

City Creates Santa Clarita Coloring Book
Draw Your Life in SCV ‘More Interesting’

With a colorful, 30-year history that includes industrial development, population growth, and fires of disastrous proportions, the next logical step for our beloved municipality was to turn that rich history into a minimalistic coloring book for folks of all ages. And that, we have.

Thanks to the personalization opportunities of this project, owners of the book have the chance to make the art their own. Draw yourself introspectively thinking on that weird bridge in the wash by Magic Mountain. While you’re at it, color in some friends. You can draw anything to make it drastically different than your life off the pages. After all, you are the one coloring by yourself.

Be prepared to rip open that 32-pack of crayons and use that brown to color in rockin’ landmarks like the Oak of the Golden Dream, a hut, and of course, that weird bridge in the wash by Magic Mountain. Draw yourself looking 15 pounds thinner, lying next to the oak. In the picture, you look like you did in college before Maria broke your heart. And there you are, cherishing the sturdiness of that oak; the kind of sturdiness that you were never able to achieve in your relationship with Maria.

This local interactive activity will enrich the lives of children across our valley. Never before have students been able to satiate their ever-growing urges to give their artistic take on that butterfly-looking sculpture at Central Park. And, even though you are no longer a student, you are a student of life. Use your experienced hands to re-create your 21st birthday on the page. It’s December, it’s cold, and in this reality, Maria managed to show up. In fact, everyone did. They all remembered in this world. Maria didn’t laugh at your request for a Bionicle as a present for your adult birthday. She delivers. You are all smiling around the butterfly with glee.

Because of Santa Clarita’s latest attempt to bring culture into the valley, the possibilities to heal old wounds and disconnect from reality are endless.

Bob Unleashes ‘Killer Kellar’ Council Smack-Down Play-by-Play

During Tuesday’s Council Smack-Down, Killer Kellar issued fatal blows to Municipal Mutilator McLean. The two had it out for the whole ring to see, with a penalty given by Civic Slayer Smyth.

The fight was far from clean, and began after Wild Weste decided to retire her famous move, the “gavel grapple.” Killer Kellar tackled Municipal Mutilator McLean during the first quarter.

Referees failed to step in, despite McLean’s claim that the move “came from fifth field.” The refs refused because “there’s literally no such thing as fifth field.”

The time-out was enacted after Civic Slayer Smyth called for the move after McLean’s plea. The solution: sudden death by discussion.

Killer Kellar was first to fight. Assisted listening devices engaged. No turning back.

K.K. issued the “kush-krusher,” a tactic usually used against skateboarders with an affinity for reefer. This incapacitating blow can send a fighter flying all the way to San Fernando – where the grass is literally greener. This time the kush-krusher was aimed at the Municipal Mutilator, but she held strong.

“Double-M” McLean fought back as hard as she could, bringing out the “passive-aggressive punch.” This is often combined with the phrase “as a strong woman,” accompanied by words like “resent” and “do not appreciate.”

Wild Weste came to the rescue in the third quarter, suggesting a vote after sudden death. The Municipal Mutilator earned victory by a slim margin, but did not get away without a final hit from the Civic Slayer, as did each of the fighters. Smyth made sure each member got an old-fashioned civic slaying.

All in all, it was a dirty fight. The unexpected elbow drop from Killer Kellar will go down in history as the freak move “from fifth field.”

Civics for the Civically Unengaged

If you are a registered voter in the City of Santa Clarita, chances are you got a packet from the government within the past few weeks. And if you are anything like everyone else, you couldn’t care less.

For the most part, people would rather play in traffic than get involved in the political process. The government needs to create new methods to engage voters in a way that is interesting and worthwhile. Until then, here are some entry-level ways in which citizens can get involved with this primary.

Use the Ballot as a Coaster

The pages of a ballot have been proven to retain more water than the average piece of junk mail. Even through enduring weeks of water spills, we still manage to push our pens onto those meaningless pages and record dentist appointment times. Those primary ballots make sturdy coasters, and you can rest easy knowing that your democratic duty did not go to waste.

The Ballot Drinking Game

This isn’t your average drinking game. This one is called the “Civic Sip.” Every time you see a name you have never heard of, take only a sip. Because you will be very intoxicated by the end.

The Ransom Note

Don’t you hate it when you have to go to CVS and buy a magazine just to get some illegal cash? A ballot provides free material. Simply cut out the letters, and you have yourself a perfect crime. No more thumbing through Time magazine just to blackmail your ex-wife. Now, you can have your cake and exploit it, too.
Murder Mystery

Have a few friends over. Assign each friend a name that you see on the ballot. Have them create a character based on the name and occupation. For example, you could be Nickolas Wildstar, the Libertarian Recording Artist. Or, you could fancy yourself to be Shubham Goel, the unaffiliated Virtual Reality Manager. Either way, you are going to have the time of your life attempting to fill those shoes in a murder-mystery setting.

Frisbee

You’ve thrown it into the trash before – now try throwing it to your son, for once. Enjoy an afternoon in the park tossing the symbol of democracy back and forth, all while solving our nation’s obesity crisis. You won’t regret it.

Bob Unleashes ‘Killer Kellar’ Council Smack-Down Play-by-Play

| Opinion | December 13, 2018

During Tuesday’s Council Smack-Down, Killer Kellar issued fatal blows to Municipal Mutilator McLean. The two had it out for the whole ring to see, with a penalty given by Civic Slayer Smyth.

The fight was far from clean, and began after Wild Weste decided to retire her famous move, the “gavel grapple.” Killer Kellar tackled Municipal Mutilator McLean during the first quarter.

Referees failed to step in, despite McLean’s claim that the move “came from fifth field.” The refs refused because “there’s literally no such thing as fifth field.”

The time-out was enacted after Civic Slayer Smyth called for the move after McLean’s plea. The solution: sudden death by discussion.

Killer Kellar was first to fight. Assisted listening devices engaged. No turning back.

K.K. issued the “kush-krusher,” a tactic usually used against skateboarders with an affinity for reefer. This incapacitating blow can send a fighter flying all the way to San Fernando – where the grass is literally greener. This time the kush-krusher was aimed at the Municipal Mutilator, but she held strong.

“Double-M” McLean fought back as hard as she could, bringing out the “passive-aggressive punch.” This is often combined with the phrase “as a strong woman,” accompanied by words like “resent” and “do not appreciate.”

Wild Weste came to the rescue in the third quarter, suggesting a vote after sudden death. The Municipal Mutilator earned victory by a slim margin, but did not get away without a final hit from the Civic Slayer, as did each of the fighters. Smyth made sure each member got an old-fashioned civic slaying.

All in all, it was a dirty fight. The unexpected elbow drop from Killer Kellar will go down in history as the freak move “from fifth field.”

Satire (in case you can’t tell)

Man Forgets to Bring Chair to Parade: Arrested for Sitting, Violating Municipal Code

| Opinion | November 29, 2018

(Satire)

An unlucky member of the Smith family was arrested after he forgot to bring a chair to the local holiday parade.

“He made the fatal mistake of thinking he could get away with sitting on the sidewalk to watch the festivities,” said the sheriff who arrested Smith. “The law is the law.”

Smith thought he was safe, wearing a holiday sweater and a blue tooth in his ear. However, sheriff’s reports suggest that his jeans were a size too big, an indicator of homelessness.

“Look, being sheik can make or break you in a scenario like this,” said Councilman Bob Kellar, hypocritically wearing last year’s colors.

Officials also arrested a grumpy teen who was waiting in the car for his family, claiming he was “basically living in the thing.”

“He was leaning up against the window like he owned the place,” said the sheriff. “Orders are orders.”

Santa Clarita has been cracking down on homelessness since this summer, pinpointing homeless behaviors and criminalizing them for the good of the city.

“Look, you are safe if you don’t take breaks during a jog, wait for the bus, accidentally rest your head at the library, have too many items in your shopping cart, have messy hair, get a stain on your shirt, enjoy the day on a park bench while wearing an oversized sweater, or sing to yourself while walking to work,” the sheriff said. “It’s not rocket science.”

Two Black Friday Employees Pardoned

| Opinion | November 22, 2018

SATIRE

Two lucky Black Friday employees were pardoned at City Hall last week, relieving them of a fate endured by millions of working Americans every year.

Because Black Friday has grown to become a more economically viable, and thereby more important national holiday than Thanksgiving, the city adopted and transitioned the United States’ pardoning traditions from turkeys, to the literal meat market that is the overworked middle class.

Rather than waking up at 3 a.m. to work at Walmart and become inevitable recipients of verbal abuse for 12-hour shifts, Janet Dunfore and Ray Leefe were given a chance to spend Black Friday as far away from retail as practically possible.

“Last year I saw two elderly women wrestling over a hand massager while I was managing a Brookstone,” said Dunfore. “There are some things human beings just shouldn’t have to see.”

At the ceremony, Mayor Laurene Weste had the honor of pardoning the two lucky Walmart employees. Although both employees were pardoned, a poll was conducted by the city as to who they would elect to be pardoned, similar to the poll that the White House facilitated between their turkeys. Dunfore, who has been chosen for the past six pardons, was selected once again.

Weste deemed the contest a “fair and predictable election.”

“Because Dunfore is the longtime incumbent, it only makes sense that the public would choose him again,” said Weste. “I’m not saying he will be selected again next year, but let’s be honest – he will be.”

City Creates Santa Clarita Coloring Book Draw Your Life in SCV ‘More Interesting’

| Opinion | November 8, 2018

-satire-

With a colorful, 30-year history that includes industrial development, population growth, and fires of disastrous proportions, the next logical step for our beloved municipality was to turn that rich history into a minimalistic coloring book for folks of all ages. And that, we have.

Thanks to the personalization opportunities of this project, owners of the book have the chance to make the art their own. Draw yourself introspectively thinking on that weird bridge in the wash by Magic Mountain. While you’re at it, color in some friends. You can draw anything to make it drastically different than your life off the pages. After all, you are the one coloring by yourself.

Be prepared to rip open that 32-pack of crayons and use that brown to color in rockin’ landmarks like the Oak of the Golden Dream, a hut, and of course, that weird bridge in the wash by Magic Mountain. Draw yourself looking 15 pounds thinner, lying next to the oak. In the picture, you look like you did in college before Maria broke your heart. And there you are, cherishing the sturdiness of that oak; the kind of sturdiness that you were never able to achieve in your relationship with Maria.

This local interactive activity will enrich the lives of children across our valley. Never before have students been able to satiate their ever-growing urges to give their artistic take on that butterfly-looking sculpture at Central Park. And, even though you are no longer a student, you are a student of life. Use your experienced hands to re-create your 21st birthday on the page. It’s December, it’s cold, and in this reality, Maria managed to show up. In fact, everyone did. They all remembered in this world. Maria didn’t laugh at your request for a Bionicle as a present for your adult birthday. She delivers. You are all smiling around the butterfly with glee.

Because of Santa Clarita’s latest attempt to bring culture into the valley, the possibilities to heal old wounds and disconnect from reality are endless.

SATIRE

And Then There Were Twelve

| City Council | November 8, 2018

After a historic 15 candidates vied for three seats on the city council, early election results indicated Wednesday that all three incumbents will once again serve on the Santa Clarita City Council.

The positions will be occupied by Mayor Laurene Weste, Mayor Pro-Tem Marsha McLean, and Councilman Bill Miranda. The Gazette interviewed four defeated candidates who were willing to share their campaign reflections.

Diane Trautman
Trautman finished fourth in the City Council race. Trautman detailed her thoughts on her campaign via phone interview.

“I always felt that (the race) was going to be fairly close, but having had sufficient experience as 12-year planning commissioner and being involved for many years, I thought that I would get a positive response from the community… I felt that the atmosphere was going to (make it) possible to win the seat this time.”

In order for candidates to get their messages out, forums held by College of the Canyons and other media outlets were facilitated as a way to streamline the process. However, Trautman believes that these formats may have been too structured.

“I think forums have their place, but it might have been helpful to have more debates to talk about some of the statements that were made and challenge them.”

As for raising money and obtaining the resources to run, Trautman felt that incumbents had the upper hand.

“It’s always very difficult raising money when you’re a non-incumbent. Incumbents have advantages through the press, and there is bias,” said Trautman.

“It’s also very difficult because when you are not an incumbent in an area like ours, it’s difficult for people who are not in your party to openly support you for fear of retribution. That’s been true forever. This year more people where willing to step forward and be listed in my contributors.”

Despite these challenges, Trautman expressed her gratitude for her supporters and the energy behind her campaign.

“People were engaged and they wanted to make change. All of the people that I met with wanted to know, “What can I do?” I want to work with them to find a way to plug them in to groups or to make this a better place for everyone.

“I am incredibly grateful for all of the help and support and all of the votes. Win or lose, I’m going to continue to work in this community, and I invite everyone to get in touch with me, because we need to keep the momentum going in this community.”

Ken Dean
Ken Dean finished fifth in the race. He didn’t purchase a ballot statement, and attributes his success to ballot designation and sign psychology.

“There are two factors. One, it’s known that if you’re first on the ballot, you have an advantage by 1.5 percent. Secondly, I am a teacher and an educator, and I have name recognition … Everybody respects a teacher.”

Dean is also an interior designer and claims he had an advantage with how he utilized color.

“You never put green and blue together on a sign. When I teach school, I cover things like the psychological effects of color. Green and blue just does not work, and distorts what you are putting on there. My sign was so simple: white background, blue letters.

Dean says he finished fifth in the last election using the same campaign strategy.

“I did the same thing did last time. I got out there myself and I walked street corners for hours.”

Running for council in the next election isn’t necessarily on his mind at the moment. However, he hasn’t turned down the possibility just yet.

“I’m doing very well. I believe that I’m saying things that the people want to hear. I still firmly believe that we need district voting and term limits. Everybody I’ve talked to said they felt they wanted term limits,” Dean said. “We need to have affordable housing and continue to protect our seniors and our veterans.”

Although Dean ran for council, he claims he wasn’t running “against” the incumbents, but simply does so because it is his right.

“All of the incumbents are friends. When you get people in office, they become stagnant and you need to have new people with new visions. If you don’t have leaders with new visions and new focus, city histories have proven to fall into decline.”

Dean’s final thoughts on the election included strong feelings toward endorsements and ballot statements.

“Endorsements aren’t worth the wet paper they are printed on. And the other thing that is an absolute, complete rip-off is the candidate statements that cost thousands of dollars,” Dean said. “Every one of the candidates below me spent thousands of dollars on these statements, and I beat them all. Everyone I’ve talked to doesn’t read those statements. I’m proof of it.”

Brett Haddock
This was Haddock’s second run for council, and he finished in eighth place.

“I didn’t really set expectations for myself, other than to do better than I did last time,” said Haddock. “I don’t know if I can really dissect it and say I would have done anything differently. I think it’s a very challenging race, and the voters by and large are ready for a change.”

Although the incumbents took the victory, Haddock believes that the results also reveal the public’s desire for new leadership.

“When you have 15 people for three spots, it splits the votes. If you tallied up everyone else’s vote (the incumbents) would have lost by a wide margin.”

For now, Haddock does not have set plans to run in 2020.

“You know, I’m going to take a minute and recoup. It’s exhausting, and I don’t even want to think about it. My plan is to sleep until January,” Haddock said. “I won’t outright rule it out, but I think my efforts right now are better spent making sure our elections are fair.

Part of his plan to make elections fair includes encouraging the city to switch to district voting.

“Regardless of how people may feel about districting, it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. The three incumbents have been vocal about their opinions, but I don’t want to pay several million dollars to settle a lawsuit for something we know is going to happen. Within the next year we need an actual concrete plan about real districts in the 2020 election.”

Haddock ended the phone interview by imparting optimism.

“Looking at the numbers, we’ve seen a historic turnout for a midterm, and I just want to thank everyone for turning out and voting. This is how democracy works, and this is what democracy looks like. We have some hiccups in our election system, but nothing we can’t overcome, and I’m looking forward to a bright future.”

Jason Gibbs
Gibbs entered his first city council race without expectations, finishing ninth. In a phone interview the morning after the election, he described his campaign experience overall.

“It was fun, it was challenging, and it was emotional.”

When asked if he would have changed anything about his campaign, he had the following to say:

“I don’t think I would have done anything differently. I had a good message and a good platform. Things just fell where they fell,” Gibbs said.

So far, Gibbs has not thought about a future council run. “I’m still trying to figure out what I’ll have for breakfast,” Gibbs said. “I’ll stay involved in the community in some other fashion.”

As for his take on the election results, Gibbs was humble.

“In the end, the community spoke, and if they felt that they did a good job, then they are the people who should be there.”

Valencia Jazz and Blues Concludes

| Entertainment | August 9, 2018

The Valencia Jazz & Blues concert series concluded with its final performance of the summer last Friday, Aug. 3. The Delgado Brothers performed for hundreds of music lovers outside of the Valencia Hyatt on Town Center Drive. Established in 1999, the Valencia Jazz & Blues concert series has been providing free entertainment to the community over the course of eight weeks for the past 19 summers. For more information about the program, visit www.valenciajazzandblues.com.

Garage Chronicles At Green Tower Games

| Entertainment | August 2, 2018

Garage Chronicles, a pop-up comedy show based in Santa Clarita, once again made its rounds at Green Tower Games in Newhall last Saturday.

After closing, the store transformed into a comedy venue, equipped with a live audience and seasoned comedians from all over Southern California.

Andrea Pazmino

Andy Benedetti

Brian Jacobovitz

Isaac Hirsch

Kane Holloway

Kelly Spillman

Nick Skardarasy

Tommy McGuan

The night’s lineup included stand-up comedians Tommy McGuan, Kane Holloway, Nick Skardarasy, Andrea Pazmino, Andy Benedetti, Isaac Hirsch, Brian Jacobovitz, and headliner Kelly Spillman, who doubles as a college professor at College of the Canyons.

The goal of Garage Chronicles is to provide stand-up comedians with a venue to hone their crafts, without the cumbersome bureaucracy that often comes with booking a traditional venue in Los Angeles.

For more information about Garage Chronicles, or to get updates about future shows, follow @GC_Comedy on Instagram, or email McGuan92@gmail.com

Artist of the Week: Andy Benedetti

| Entertainment | July 26, 2018

When opportunity knocks, it’s probably a good idea to answer. For stand-up comic Andy Benedetti, who stands at about 6 feet 8 inches, going through that door sometimes requires a bit of maneuvering.

Benedetti is a 25-year-old father, husband, and longtime Santa Clarita resident. When asked exactly how long he’s lived in the SCV, Benedetti replied, “I was born, raised, and I died here.”

But after having his child at the age of 23, Benedetti had a realization.

“I thought, ‘It’s now or never.’ I was (either) going to be the dad who never made it and embarrasses his kids, or I was going to be the dad that embarrasses his kids with his stupid jokes.”

Since then, Benedetti quit his job to pursue his dream of becoming a stand-up comedian, and has been a regular performer for the local Garage Chronicles standup comedy series.
Although Benedetti has only been performing stand-up for a little over two years, he’s had his fair share of eclectic encounters. While performing at an open mic in Northern California, Benedetti was interrupted by the host immediately after starting his set.

“He says, ‘I don’t mean to stop you, but this guy wants to say something right now.’ Then, he’s like, ‘You can just sit down in a chair behind him on stage.’”

A Caucasian man with dreadlocks then proceeded to take the microphone from Benedetti and tell the audience that he was originally from Spain, but was kidnapped while working on an illegal marijuana farm. He then started to beg for his life, and asked if someone in the audience could give him a ride to the airport.

“A woman in the audience eventually stood up and said, ‘Javier, enough!’ I guess it was his girlfriend. After they left, I had to perform stand-up,” Benedetti said.

Aside from rogue men with dreadlocks interrupting his set, there have been other obstacles Benedetti has faced while chasing his dream.

“First, you’ve got to find the time. I have a family, and I go to college. I am a stay-at-home dad, so I’m taking care of the house while going to school and doing comedy,” Benedetti said. “Then, you have to go there and you have to try. You have to connect with strangers who came out to laugh, or bar patrons who just wanted to drink and are now being forced to listen to comedy. Most of the time, its open mic-ers waiting for their turn to talk.”

Still, even through time constraints and unruly audiences, comedy remains one of the most important parts of Benedetti’s life.

“I want to make a living doing stand-up comedy,” Benedetti said. “I really just want to be a master at this.”

Benedetti will be performing at Green Tower Games at 10 p.m. July 28, and he will also be headlining at the Pasadena Ice House
September 2.

SCV Residents Can Now Use Homeless Portal to ‘Help’ Homeless

| Opinion | July 26, 2018

(Satire)

SCV’s latest productive effort to aid the homeless involves a new app called “HomelessnessGO,” which will collect the homeless population and store them in an online database.

Here’s how it works: After downloading HomelessnessGO on a mobile device, the app tracks the user’s real location and leads them to the nearest transient. Upon reaching an encampment, the user can activate the “citation capsule,” discharging virtual citations to trap the offender. By simply dragging a finger across the screen, the user is able to fling these violation notices at the target, trapping them indefinitely in the portal.

To incentivize users, the app rewards points to especially active trappers, and these points can be redeemed at City Hall for small, non-cash rewards, like keychains and lanyards.

“Our Ad Hoc committee has been working tirelessly by the water cooler at City Hall to come up with a solution to the problem,” Mayor Pro Tem Cameron Smyth said. “This was honestly the best we could do.”

The application also allows users to connect with other players while capturing the homeless.

“You should just see Main Street at night,” Councilman Bob Kellar said. “It really brings the community together. This app is the one thing that keeps us from becoming the San Fernando Valley.”

For more information about HomelessnessGo and what you can do to further alienate the homeless, take a deep, long look at the person in the mirror staring back at you, or visit ww.Santa-Clarita.com.

Garage Chronicles Returns to SCV

| Entertainment | July 19, 2018

Last Saturday, Santa Clarita’s comedy scene was back. In a backyard, that is.

The Garage Chronicles, a mobile stand-up series created by Santa Clarita resident Tommy McGuan, features seasoned stand-up comedians from all over Los Angeles. The event brings the community together for a night of free entertainment and gives comedians a place to hone their craft, without the hassle of the bureaucracy that comedians often face when booking comedy venues.

Saturday’s event had a secret lineup, which could only be accessed by emailing the event coordinators directly. Those who made the effort to inquire about the “who, what, where” enjoyed an eclectic lineup, as well as the company of several wandering cats parading around the backyard.

The next Garage Chronicles will be held at Green Tower Games on July 28 at 10 p.m. Tickets to this show will cost $5 each, whereas most other Garage Chronicles performances are free.

For more information about Garage Chronicles, follow @gc_comedyshow on Instagram or email Tommy McGuan at McGuan92@gmail.com

So You Think You Can Run for City Council

| City Council, Opinion | July 12, 2018

Past Santa Clarita City Council races have always been entertaining and exciting for the 12 people who keep up with local politics, and of those 12, the six people who aren’t running.

But, if you are new to the circus that is SCV politics, it can be overwhelming – even more overwhelming if you decide to throw your hat into the race. With the filing period quickly approaching, all eligible contenders are getting in line. And if you are worried about the people you are up against, don’t. In fact, we have already seen them a million times before. They’ll probably fit one of the following descriptions. Maybe you will even see yourself in one of these predictable stock characters.

The “John”
Hey, you. Yes, you. Don’t think we don’t see you bending over to fix someone else’s busted sprinkler with your own hand tools. You have control-fueled altruism written all over your uptight face … and that makes you perfect. You have it all: a quiet wife, kids who are quiet around you, and a neighborhood that is quiet because of you. You simply can’t deal with noise because of all of the noise that’s buzzing around that ‘ol noggin of yours. “Bills, bills … should I murder my wife … bills.” It can get overwhelming. But you keep it cool, because one day, you’re going to snap. And they’ll all be sorry. Until then, channel it into voting on laws that keep homeless people from being absolutely anywhere.

The “Deborah”
Debbie! Deborah! Deb! You are absolutely wonderful. Always volunteering, always giving your time. You are everywhere at once. You have such kind words to say all of the time. But sometimes, your opinions surprise us a little. Like, “Disney makes kids want to get ‘gay married,’” and “John Kerry’s reptile tongue can taste American fear.” You are so quirky. So colorful. So … off. You are always on top of making those seasonal vests that definitely don’t give you away as a chronically anxious stitcher. Don’t worry, the government isn’t going to be taking away your needles – at least not anytime soon – so stitch together some legislation that will make it harder for residents to start small businesses.

 

The “Jeff”
Look at you sporting that American flag pin on your blazer. You are goal-oriented. The city council is clearly not your last stop. You have your lizard eyes on the grand prize – the state stage, that is. You will kiss as many babies it takes to earn a one-way ticket to sweet Sacramento. You are mild, moderate, and utterly forgettable. At least for now. When the time comes, you will take a firm stance in compliance with an issue that is extremely agreeable. That way, you have the credible background of local politics to keep you up, without the backbone of moral integrity and chutzpah to weigh you down.

The “Betsy”
If giving a crap about local politics was a sport, you are Babe Ruth. You haven’t missed a single meeting since 2007, and everyone knows it. You have read every law, read between every line, and drew every connection that was or wasn’t there. From CEMEX to Measure S, you knew that something fishy was going on before they even drafted those meeting agendas. You are the car alarm that goes off when someone slams the door a little too hard. You are tenacious. What would we do without you? The council knows your handwriting, so they don’t even have to read the name on the public speaker card. Godspeed.

Note: this is satire in case you got this far and aren’t sure.

Band of the Week: Full Safari

| Entertainment | June 28, 2018

If you’ve been to a local DIY show in the Santa Clarita Valley, you’ve probably heard of Full Safari. In fact, legend has it that if one says the name “Full Safari” three times fast, the band will appear and headline out of nowhere, fully equipped with long hair and baggy pants.

Full Safari was initially established under the name “The Ooze,” until copyright threats came in and squeezed the ooze right out of them. Under their new identity as Full Safari, the band has worked to bring the local music scene in the SCV to life.

For the past few years, lead singer Joey Voge has networked with other local bands to host art and music showcases. Working alongside College of the Canyons’ student-run record label Hipified Records, Full Safari performs for a wide array of venues – from Vincenzo’s Pizza to friends’ backyards.

Santa Clarita, according to Full Safari drummer Josh Martin, is notorious for its lack of venues for local artists.

“There are basically no venues that will allow young kids in indie bands to play, except for Vincenzo’s,” Martin said. “The only real venue in SCV is the one at the mall – The Canyon Club – and they only want dad rock bands and cover bands to play.”

When it comes down to it, wherever Full Safari can plug in, they will play. It can be difficult, however, when the community doesn’t feel the same way about live music as they do.

“Most of the time, we have to resort to playing house shows, but a big problem with that is that you get the cops called on you at 9:30 p.m.,” Martin said.

At their most recent “Warm Milk” show, the cops were called several times, requiring Voge to instruct the bands to play more quietly. Not quietly enough, apparently. After a final call to the police, the night was brought to and end as one band was forced to stop playing in the middle of a 23-minute song.

Voge has spearheaded many art and music showcases, so it is his name that gets written on the insurance liability waivers, and it is also Voge who has to deal with the authorities. And for a college student, asking venue owners to place their trust in a security deposit signed by a 20-year-old is not an easy task.

“My biggest obstacle was with the owners of the venues, because they saw me as a kid and didn’t treat me with respect, even though we follow the rules down to the letter,” Voge said in an interview about an arts showcase in November.

Financing these shows is also far from easy. At that same showcase held at a neighborhood clubhouse, the bands were not allowed to charge for tickets on the premises. Instead, band members took turns sitting in the dark down the street with a shoe box full of change to avoid penalties.

Sketchers cash boxes aside, Full Safari is working to build upon what they’ve started by continuing to play and host DIY shows for the music lovers in the community.

For more information about Full Safari, check them out on Spotify, or visit Full Safari’s Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/TheBandYouLove/.

Our (Alleged) Arts & Entertainment District

| Community | June 22, 2018

Picture this: It’s Friday, you’ve just landed a date with the guy of your dreams, and you’ve only got one thing on your mind – Old Town Newhall.

We’ve all been there. When life gets hard, the only cure for a good time is a prescription for that Western Walk of Fame. Doctor’s orders.

And they don’t call it the “Premiere Arts & Entertainment District” for nothing. After strapping on those stilettos and hopping into your Honda Civic, make sure and leave enough time to strut into Planet Soccer before catching the 7 o’clock showing of Guys and Dolls and the Canyon Theater Guild – the full experience.

For all you night crawlers out there, the Hart Museum Tours close at 4 p.m., cutting it real close to dinner time. Shhh … I won’t tell if you won’t tell.

How could I possibly forget the artsy folks out there? You are not to be neglected. Park your Priuses next to the abandoned Golf Store on Main Street and accidentally waltz into a housing unit that looks like an art installation. To your surprise, it is. It’s 96 square feet and standing room only. Oh, baby.

The fun doesn’t stop at Main Street. It only plateaus. If you’re a real party animal, walk a few miles down to the Del Taco and order up something dangerous. Something … Food borne. It will feel like a long night of partying by the time you’re through.

Speaking of parties, the city combined everyone’s favorite day with everyone’s favorite place to form Thursdays@Newhall. You like old cars? They have very old cars. You like square dancing with sweaty strangers? They have VERY sweaty strangers. It’s an endless stream of Thursday night fun.

However, if you don’t have a way to get there, and the bus just isn’t cutting it for you anymore, you don’t have any reason to complain anymore. Now, you can take the trolley to and from Newhall all summer long. If you didn’t know our city had a trolley, wake up and smell the copper from that pretty taxpayer penny and take it for a spin.

You see, there’s so much to do in our self-proclaimed Arts & Entertainment District. No more boring nights, no more excuse to give in to drugs. There’s only Old Town Newhall for now and for eternity.

Artist of the Week: Griffin Puatu, Voice Actor

| Entertainment | June 21, 2018

If you’ve ever watched a cartoon or played a video game, you’ve probably noticed that the characters speak. Aside from this painfully obvious observation, you might not have known that people make careers out of grunting into a microphone – and Griffin Puatu is one of those lucky few.

Puatu began developing skills for his career before he even realized it. From a young age, Puatu would recite lines from his favorite movies and television shows, perfecting them in front of his family.

“I grew up in a family of five kids, and we watched a lot of movies. To make them laugh, I would quote the lines (exactly) as the character, or it wouldn’t sound right … My parents laughed, and that’s all the encouragement I needed.”

Growing up in Santa Clarita, Puatu and his family moved to Idaho at the beginning of Junior High. Throughout his teenage years, he got involved with musical theater and fell in love with acting.

While in college, Puatu created a makeshift sound studio in his dorm closet. At the end of his freshman year studying computer science in Nebraska, Puatu’s life changed directions. While waiting to hear about the status of his college scholarship, it clicked.

“I had all of this free time,” Puatu said. So, (I thought), ‘Why not give this voice acting thing a try?’”

Eventually, Puatu landed an internship at Bang Zoom Entertainment, a recording studio based in Burbank, and the rest was history.

So far, Puatu has worked for notable shows like “One Punch Man” and “Hunter x Hunter.” He even lent his voice for several video games, the most recent being Just Cause 4, a popular video game recently featured at the E3 video game conference.

However, working as a voice actor can be unpredictable, according to Puatu.

“There are never any guarantees in this business as an entertainer. Normally, I get up, check my email, and see if I have any auditions or bookings, or, I’ll go to a recording studio and record,” Puatu said. “Each day is its own challenge … Nothing is ever concrete or the same every day. You try and keep a routine to keep your sanity.”

Not only does his work schedule tend to be unconventional, but so are his work days. Video game projects often involve spouting bodily noises and various sounds.

“It’s not linear. Depending on what they do, you have to do a bunch of ‘efforts,’ like fight exertions,” said Puatu. “For this game, there’s a fair amount of ‘GRENADE!’ and ‘GET DOWN!’. You do about a hundred lines per hour. When you’re in there for four hours, you don’t have time to think about it.”

After just three years of working in the business, Puatu quickly learned that voice acting requires a certain disposition.

“Be friendly, and be easy to work with,” Puatu said. “You are just a voice, so they can replace you. If you are difficult and not easy to work with, they will find someone who is.”

In the future, Puatu hopes to finish his schooling at College of the Canyons, eventually earning a teaching credential.

“Teaching is something besides acting that I find challenging,” Puatu said. “I enjoy working with kids, while communicating an idea with someone and seeing growth.”

To follow Puatu’s voice acting endeavors, go to linktr.ee/griffvoices.

Band of the Week – Sheep Creek

| Entertainment | June 14, 2018

If Goat Lake was the name of a real band, they might run into some stiff competition with Santa Clarita’s latest up-and-comers, Sheep Creek. And boy, would some of us pay to see that rivalry.

Composed of Everett Barton, Maggie Herr, and Nick Jennings, Sheep Creek released their latest album this month titled “Little One,” which is available on most major music streaming services.

The Gazette recently caught up with Sheep Creek and discussed their newest project.

How would you describe your style/genre?

This album is a bit of indie pop with a dash of folk, but something we’re looking to do is keep exploring new sounds between albums.

How did the band get together?

Everett: I’ve been best friends with Maggie since kindergarten, but then went to a different junior high which is where I met Nick. They both became friends a while back, and shortly after I had the idea to build Sheep Creek, a name we could work under to make films, music and more together. About a year ago we started messing around with an EP for fun, and during that time Nick played me a demo of the song Katie Sue, which I loved, and we brought him on to help with some more tracks to make it a full album. Towards the end I brought on my friends from college, Rachel and Emma, to help with some singing and the album art.

What do you hope to accomplish with your music? Do you have any future goals as a band?

Maggie: One of the main themes of every project so far is that we want to put things out there just for its own sake. We enjoy the process of creating songs and aren’t afraid to let the public see what we’ve come up with. If people find joy in what we’ve put together, that’s awesome, but even if it doesn’t resonate with everyone, we’re learning and growing a lot from the process. Our more immediate plans are to finish our second music video and another short film over this summer which will have a taste of some new music.

Do you perform live around town?

Not yet, but we’re looking into doing a performance this summer, so stay tuned.

What sets you apart from other bands?

Nick: None of us had experience working on such a big original music project before, so we tried to approach it in our own unique way. Maybe it’s since we’re all such good friends, but it’s pretty amazing that I can come in with a guitar riff and hand it off to Maggie, who can add a bridge and chorus, and then Everett and I can write up lyrics in his Toyota Avalon at 1:00 a.m. while Maggie works on implementing other instruments. Then, I can add some backing vocals before Maggie and Everett come in and mix the songs; just the fact that we’re all so involved and able to cooperate so well I think is really special.

What was your process with Little One?

Sometimes one of us would have an entire song ready, while other times we’d each come in with just a scrap of something and somehow all the individual bits come together seamlessly. Behind each of those parts to the songs is a story. We always aim for each song to tell its own unique story, but also work as a piece of a bigger story in the context of the album. Some lyrics were inspired by real life events, or a dream. Some melodies came from a song one of us made for fun before, but with some fine tuning it’s made into something really special.

For more information about Sheep Creek, follow @Sheep_Creek on Instagram.

Artist of the Week – Sal the Director

| Entertainment | June 1, 2018

If you are looking to “shake that booty like a GTA cheat code (up, down, left, right),” Sal the Director might be the hip-hop artist for you.

Known online as “Sal the Director,” Salvador Lara Jr. attended College of the Canyons as a film major. Upon parting from his academic pursuits, he landed several professional film gigs, including location scouting and international projects. While pursing his passions for filmmaking, Lara began developing his musical voice in 2015.

Lara’s music is heavily influenced by the aesthetic of the 1980s.

“I grew up listening to ‘80s music,” he said. “There’s something about that decade that really fascinates me … the music, the movies, the fashion. My music definitely pays tribute to that era.”

However, Lara’s main inspiration behind his musical endeavors can be attributed to the tragic passing of his cousin.

“I started the ‘Sal the Director’ project after my cousin was murdered on his way back home from his recording studio,” he explained. “After his death, I really started to take music seriously. (That’s how) I honor him.”

While attending College of the Canyons and developing his music, Lara met his recording partner, Michael Bae. Together, the two have written and produced songs like “Fatal Attraction,” and “Cheatin’” – the latter song about shaking booties like “Grand Theft Auto” cheat codes. Lara and Bae are currently working together on a new EP, which they plan on releasing along with corresponding music videos.

To write a song, Lara downs about three cups of coffee and gets right to it.

“When it comes to songwriting, I only can write about what I know,” Lara said. “The majority of my songs are about love or relationships, so I use my life as inspiration for some of the lyrics.”

As for live performances, Lara has yet to take that step.

“Performing live is a whole other ball game. I’ve seen plenty of bands whose music is amazing, but when it comes to performing live, they’re bad,” Lara said.

Lara’s end goal is to make music that strays from the mainstream trends and subvert today’s hip-hop formula: “I just want to present something new and fresh and hopefully people enjoy it.”

For more information about Sal the Director, visit soundcloud.com/gorillasnake. Sal the Director’s music can be streamed on Spotify and Apple Music.

Civics for the Civically Unengaged

| Opinion | May 31, 2018

If you are a registered voter in the City of Santa Clarita, chances are you got a packet from the government within the past few weeks. And if you are anything like everyone else, you couldn’t care less.

For the most part, people would rather play in traffic than get involved in the political process. The government needs to create new methods to engage voters in a way that is interesting and worthwhile. Until then, here are some entry-level ways in which citizens can get involved with this primary.

Use the Ballot as a Coaster
The pages of a ballot have been proven to retain more water than the average piece of junk mail. Even through enduring weeks of water spills, we still manage to push our pens onto those meaningless pages and record dentist appointment times. Those primary ballots make sturdy coasters, and you can rest easy knowing that your democratic duty did not go to waste.

The Ballot Drinking Game
This isn’t your average drinking game. This one is called the “Civic Sip.” Every time you see a name you have never heard of, take a sip. Because you will be very intoxicated by the end.

The Ransom Note
Don’t you hate it when you have to go to CVS and buy a magazine just to get some illegal cash? A ballot provides free material. Simply cut out the letters, and you have yourself a perfect crime. No more thumbing through Time magazine just to blackmail your ex-wife. Now, you can have your cake and exploit it, too.

Murder Mystery
Have a few friends over. Assign each friend a name that you see on the ballot. Have them create a character based on the name and occupation. For example you could be Nickolas Wildstar, the Libertarian Recording Artist. Or, you could fancy yourself to be Shubham Goel, the unaffiliated Virtual Reality Manager. Either way, you are going to have the time of your life attempting to fill those shoes in a murder-mystery setting.

Frisbee
You’ve thrown it into the trash before – now try throwing it to your son, for once. Enjoy an afternoon in the park tossing the symbol of democracy back and forth, all while solving our nation’s obesity crisis. You won’t regret it.

Band of the Week: The Basted Mamas

| Entertainment | May 17, 2018

The Basted Mamas are an “anti-funk” band from College of the Canyons. Yes – you read correctly. They made up a genre.

Perhaps you’ve heard of anti-folk, which is the subversion of ‘60s political protest folk in an attempt to bash pretension. The Basted Mamas, however, is anti-funk – a subversion of traditional funk with an anti-folk twist. Funk also refers to a strong odor, which one would expect a Basted Mama to have. You can smell these performers all the way from Valencia.

The term “baste,” according to an online dictionary, refers to the pouring of juices or melted fat over (meat) during cooking in order to keep it moist. The term “mama” refers to a mother. Go figure.

The group’s songs take on tough subjects, like the existential crises of a pet fish, and murder conspiracies concerning cannibalistic mothers – all with pronounced bass lines, pre-programmed drum tracks, and sometimes, a capella rap.

The Basted Mamas make surprise appearances at open mics, mostly because “no one has offered, or is even willing to book (them).” They say that they do not need to rehearse either, “because rehearsing is the opposite of art.”

Despite their questionable work ethic, The Basted Mamas are committed to spoon feeding a misguided anti-corporate agenda to audiences across the SCV.

“We just want people to stop buying things,” says the band’s website. “If you need more soap, don’t use soap. If you ran out of heart medication, just muster up the willpower to live.”

The Basted Mamas are coming out with their first album, which will be released at the end of this month. For more information about The Basted Mamas, keep Googling the name until something comes up. They will be on the map … eventually.

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