A Sampling of Our April Fools articles this year:
Interns Wanted to Educate Bob Kellar about Reefer
Due to the recent legalization of marijuana in the state of California, the city is searching for young, street-wise interns to explain how marijuana works to Bob Kellar.
The city will be conducting a series of interviews in order to find the right candidate – preferably someone with enough patience and willpower to sit through hours of “back in my day…” and unwarranted real estate advice. Candidates are expected to know the difference between household spices and marijuana, and successfully list the distinct differences to the senior councilmember.
“With this project, the city hopes to end Kellar’s night terrors concerning the state of “dope in Santa Clarita,” said a city spokesperson. “Hopefully we will live to see a day when Bob ceases to break into the office at night (in just a robe), grab his trusty baseball bat and hunt for skateboarders who are out past curfew.”
Official Finds Funds in Fax
Comes Across Cash During Interview
After months of controversy over missing funds, a local public official from a former Santa Clarita non-profit made a surprising discovery.
Copies of alleged “missing” checks were found while he was disposing of the office’s beloved fax machine. “I guess we just haven’t been using the fax since we switched to digital,” said the official, who asked to remain anonymous. “What a hilarious, inconvenient misunderstanding.”
The official breathed a sigh of relief, finished laughing, and reached for a handkerchief from his back pocket to wipe the sweat from his forehead. It led to another discovery: an envelope with $5,009.98 in cash intended for a credit card dispute.
“I, uh … I guess I forgot to check these pants. Yikes.”
City Decides Not To Tear Down Historic Building
Last week, the City of Santa Clarita was ready to tear down the two-story building on Soledad and Sierra Highway in order to make room for a new Canyon Country Community Center – that is, until a resident reminded everyone of its historical significance.
After a City Council photo op and a swing of a tractor arm into the second story window, a frantic man emerged from the crowd. Out of breath after running from Jake’s Way, he began to give a speech.
“What are we doing here?! Can’t you see that this building represents the classic Canyon Country aesthetic™? Who are we without off-white brick, tattoo parlors and a Boost Mobile? SAUGUS?!”
Music began to play, and the crowd was in tears. Councilmember Laurene Weste slowly took off her hard hat and placed it over her heart.
“In all my years of tearing down small businesses and building less profitable ones, I have never seen such a display,” said one councilmember. “Board up the hole.”
California Shopping Bag Ban Saves the Day
By Thomas Jefferson X
I just read an article titled, “California shopping bag ban saves the day.” The article stated that a man went into the local Walmart and proceeded to put numerous DVDs, video games and other electronics into his shopping cart. He then proceeded to the checkout stand. The clerk rang up his items; they totaled $935. He then simply took his three bags of items and walked out without paying for them.
The store manager called the police. The police officer told the manager that they no longer come out for any incident totaling under $950, nor will they investigate, but they will take a report for the theft. The store manager could not believe what he was hearing: “How can the police not come out and arrest a shoplifter for stealing $935 worth of stuff? We have video surveillance of the thief stealing the merchandise. We have a very clear picture of what he looks like. We even have video of his car and license plate. What more do they need?”
It was only when the manager mentioned to the police officer, “He walked out with three bags of merchandise” that the police officer sprang into action. “Was that three recyclable bags that he brought in with him, or was that three bags from your store?” “It was 3 bags from the store.” “Did he pay the 30 cents for those bags?” “No, he just stole those too!” According to SB270, this is a class 1 felony punishable by up to a $5,000 fine per bag and up to two years in prison per bag. Immediately, the police investigated this heinous crime. A SWAT team was sent to the man’s apartment and he was arrested without incident.
Sheriff Pyle credits the shopping bag ban for the arrest. He was quoted as saying, “We do not pursue or investigate shoplifting crimes under $950. Anything under $950 is a misdemeanor and we simply do not have the manpower/womanpower to investigate such crimes. Had the shopping bag ban not been in effect, he would have gotten away with his crime. How dare he try to steal plastic shopping bags! He was probably going to toss them into a trash can. Those plastic bags are supposed to be used up to 125 times, not just one use. What in the world was he thinking? Yeah, he got what he deserved! He should have paid the 30 cents.”
No, the story above is not true. I made it up to prove a point. Is this what California has come to? We no longer pursue shoplifting under $950? http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2016/05/14/shoplifting-california-prop-47-reduced-penalties/. And a store can be fined up to $5,000 a day for using single-use plastic bags. http://www.calrecycle.ca.gov/plastics/CarryOutBags/FAQ.htm .
So, what is the moral of the story? If you are going to steal, make sure it is under $950 – and make sure you pay the 30 cents for the bags!!!!!!!