Past Santa Clarita City Council races have always been entertaining and exciting for the 12 people who keep up with local politics, and of those 12, the six people who aren’t running.
But, if you are new to the circus that is SCV politics, it can be overwhelming – even more overwhelming if you decide to throw your hat into the race. With the filing period quickly approaching, all eligible contenders are getting in line. And if you are worried about the people you are up against, don’t. In fact, we have already seen them a million times before. They’ll probably fit one of the following descriptions. Maybe you will even see yourself in one of these predictable stock characters.
Hey, you. Yes, you. Don’t think we don’t see you bending over to fix someone else’s busted sprinkler with your own hand tools. You have control-fueled altruism written all over your uptight face … and that makes you perfect. You have it all: a quiet wife, kids who are quiet around you, and a neighborhood that is quiet because of you. You simply can’t deal with noise because of all of the noise that’s buzzing around that ‘ol noggin of yours. “Bills, bills … should I murder my wife … bills.” It can get overwhelming. But you keep it cool, because one day, you’re going to snap. And they’ll all be sorry. Until then, channel it into voting on laws that keep homeless people from being absolutely anywhere.
Debbie! Deborah! Deb! You are absolutely wonderful. Always volunteering, always giving your time. You are everywhere at once. You have such kind words to say all of the time. But sometimes, your opinions surprise us a little. Like, “Disney makes kids want to get ‘gay married,’” and “John Kerry’s reptile tongue can taste American fear.” You are so quirky. So colorful. So … off. You are always on top of making those seasonal vests that definitely don’t give you away as a chronically anxious stitcher. Don’t worry, the government isn’t going to be taking away your needles – at least not anytime soon – so stitch together some legislation that will make it harder for residents to start small businesses.
Look at you sporting that American flag pin on your blazer. You are goal-oriented. The city council is clearly not your last stop. You have your lizard eyes on the grand prize – the state stage, that is. You will kiss as many babies it takes to earn a one-way ticket to sweet Sacramento. You are mild, moderate, and utterly forgettable. At least for now. When the time comes, you will take a firm stance in compliance with an issue that is extremely agreeable. That way, you have the credible background of local politics to keep you up, without the backbone of moral integrity and chutzpah to weigh you down.
If giving a crap about local politics was a sport, you are Babe Ruth. You haven’t missed a single meeting since 2007, and everyone knows it. You have read every law, read between every line, and drew every connection that was or wasn’t there. From CEMEX to Measure S, you knew that something fishy was going on before they even drafted those meeting agendas. You are the car alarm that goes off when someone slams the door a little too hard. You are tenacious. What would we do without you? The council knows your handwriting, so they don’t even have to read the name on the public speaker card. Godspeed.
Note: this is satire in case you got this far and aren’t sure.