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Doug’s (Gone for the Week So Gazette Staff Took Over) Rant

| Doug's Rants | April 27, 2017

Fox News Was Right!

If you haven’t already noticed, there has been a change in your usual programming. Doug Sutton has temporarily deserted his post, and just like your paranoid Fox News pundits have warned you, the Liberals are taking over. But before you pass out those semi-automatic weapons to your grandchildren and form the fantasy militia you’ve been dreaming about — hold tight.

The Red Elephant in the Room …

We know you’re used to getting your weekly dose of verbatim reports from Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, (and a moment of silence please for the late Bill O’Reilly) in the form of Doug’s Rant. We have to comb through this thing too, you know (reading material that you don’t always agree with on a weekly basis … what a concept). But, if you’re tired of hot air smacking you in the face and damaging your IQ every time you turn to page nine of the Gazette, you can breathe easy for today. We have a few grievances for the big, red elephants in the room.

Where Do We Even Begin?

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Get it together, people. You have the House, Senate, AND the presidency. So, why is it that Trump has to wave the executive wand every time he wants to get something through? Oh yeah, because that’s what happens when your party is in shambles and the man in charge is not a rational human being.

Is it so hard to acknowledge the fact that his approval ratings are the lowest in modern history, and that his diplomacy skills are severely lacking?! Is it not terrifying to be represented by a man who the Kanye West of Capitol Hill and can’t seem to think before speaking? Why is it that American national interests are taking a back seat to golf at Mar-A-Lago every weekend? Did Doug’s Rant not criticize Obama for golfing during his presidency? At this point, we’re watching the circus as people scramble to support an administration on the mere basis of party affiliation.

‘But They Tell it Like It Is …’

Just because you say things in a way that is brash and offensive to other people, it doesn’t mean that it is secretly the right philosophy, or even a truth that “no one is willing to talk about.” When’s the last time you agreed with something Madonna said? People like Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump — who have being loud and abhorrent as the hallmark of their careers — only have followings because they speak the same disturbing, selfish inner monologues that people do who should have the decency to keep it to themselves, or at least back it up with an educated argument.

So I Have This Friend …

Our political system is complex. Just as there are no simple problems, there are no simple solutions. That being said, it is not fair to oversimplify a situation with anecdotal evidence in order to support your philosophy of how the world works. Just because you know A GUY who lost his business under Obama’s presidency, it’s not necessarily an indicator of how certain policies are affecting the rest of the country. Your one friend in Florida whose premiums went up after the implementation of Obamacare doesn’t cancel out the countless people whose lives were saved by the bill, and vice versa. Also, on a very important side note, having a gay or black friend doesn’t give you a free pass to say racist and/or homophobic things. Just so you know.

Blessed are the Rich …

It’s no secret that fans of the Rant tend to have Christian affiliations and beliefs. That’s fine — except when those beliefs don’t line up with your voting record. If you are a New Testament Christian who believes in Jesus Christ and the New Covenant, you believe and follow his one rule: love one another.

The last time I checked, choosing your own personal economic interests over loving others is not Jesus’ way. And if you are going to come at me with “I never claimed to be a perfect Christian, and Jesus is my judge,” don’t judge non-Christians for not measuring up to the same standards you hold (or should hold) for Christians.

Down with Regulations!

So, you want a government that doesn’t have a hand in your lives (except when it comes to gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose). And you don’t want them to tell businesses what to do either. As long as that’s settled, we hope you don’t mind trusting large corporations without economic incentives to lower arsenic in children’s rice cereal, decrease pollution, and not fire Deborah for wearing last season’s frumpy pantsuit instead of a pencil skirt. Go ahead, trust the invisible hand of competition to employ struggling, single, expectant mothers who need maternity leave. It’s so easy to hate regulations when you are not on the receiving end of things — and god forbid you have to sacrifice for someone else.

The ‘D’ Word

When it comes to money, Doug is always concerned. This is understandable, because that is what immediately affects people, and he is an employer. But, when he talks about the national debt, the first programs he wants to cut are those that one might consider the most helpful to our own citizens. Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security are all on the chopping block in the Rant every week, but all of the above help citizens get back on their feet. What about the billions of dollars spent on defense every year? Funneling countless dollars into stabilizing (if that’s what you want to call it) foreign governments and giving $3 billion annually in military aid to Israel is not “patriotic.” If “America First” is your doctrine, maybe we should cool it with the world-police act, because blowing countries up is not a great financial decision.

What on God’s (No Longer Green) Earth?!

If you don’t believe in global warming because you don’t want to trade in your SUV, hippies gross you out, or Al Gore gave you bad vibes, that’s fine. At this point, there is no sense arguing with facts, because no one in the Bible Belt wants to believe Bill Nye. But, you can’t deny the massive amounts of pure garbage floating around the Pacific Ocean and clogging Free Willy’s blow hole. Taking care of the planet doesn’t have to be associated with a liberal conspiracy, because even those people suck on plastic Starbucks straws and live in vans that get about three miles per gallon. If you ever want to take your rifle out to the forest to hunt wildlife again, we’d better start doing something soon.

Quotes of the Week

“Give to everyone what you owe them: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor.” (Romans 13:7)

“Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” (Matthew 19:21)

“It used to be, it is accepted scientific wisdom the Earth is flat, and this heretic named Galileo was branded a denier.” (Ted Cruz)
“Climate change is not science. It’s religion.” (Ted Cruz)

“A tree’s a tree. How many more do you need to look at?” (Ronald Reagan)

 “Do you realize who signs your paychecks?!” (Doug Sutton)

Doug might think twice before leaving town again. That’s what you get for putting monkeys near a computer.

**The Views and Opinions expressed in these columns are those of the writer, not necessarily those of Valley Publications/Santa Clarita Gazette.**

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Doug’s Rant – Video Edition

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