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College of the Canyons Offers Honorary PhDs to ‘Tenured’ Students

| Entertainment | April 1, 2019

To comply with the state’s new student-centered funding formula, College of the Canyons has taken steps to eject some of its more “seasoned” students by offering a PhD in Community College Studies – if they agree to part ways.

“We call them into the counseling office and ask them a few questions. The first is: Where’s the counseling office?” said Chancellor Dianne Van Hook. “We toss you a diploma, blow the honorary kazoo, and boom, you’re a doctor – get out.”

In order to receive adequate funding from the state, the school is required to get students out of community college and onto a career path quickly. So far, the program has proven to be effective – especially for the self-esteems of the newly doctored.

“When I walked into work the day after I got my diploma, I yelled, ‘Everyone in this Pizza Hut, bow down!’” said Kyle. “I swear that I made the best cinnamon sticks I ever had that day.”

As for the future of the workforce, the jury is out.

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“So far, 300 applicants have been Doctors of Community College,” said the president of Henry Mayo Newhall Memorial Hospital. “I’m hoarse from describing the difference between a doctor and a physician.”

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