College of the Canyons Offers Honorary PhDs to ‘Tenured’ Students

| Entertainment | April 1, 2019

To comply with the state’s new student-centered funding formula, College of the Canyons has taken steps to eject some of its more “seasoned” students by offering a PhD in Community College Studies – if they agree to part ways.

“We call them into the counseling office and ask them a few questions. The first is: Where’s the counseling office?” said Chancellor Dianne Van Hook. “We toss you a diploma, blow the honorary kazoo, and boom, you’re a doctor – get out.”

In order to receive adequate funding from the state, the school is required to get students out of community college and onto a career path quickly. So far, the program has proven to be effective – especially for the self-esteems of the newly doctored.

“When I walked into work the day after I got my diploma, I yelled, ‘Everyone in this Pizza Hut, bow down!’” said Kyle. “I swear that I made the best cinnamon sticks I ever had that day.”

As for the future of the workforce, the jury is out.


“So far, 300 applicants have been Doctors of Community College,” said the president of Henry Mayo Newhall Memorial Hospital. “I’m hoarse from describing the difference between a doctor and a physician.”

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