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2018 in Review – The following articles are Satires Published in 2018. Read at your own risk.

| Opinion | December 28, 2018

SCV Residents Can Now Use Homeless Portal to ‘Help’ Homeless

SCV’s latest productive effort to aid the homeless involves a new app called “HomelessnessGO,” which will collect the homeless population and store them in an online database.

Here’s how it works: After downloading HomelessnessGO on a mobile device, the app tracks the user’s real location and leads them to the nearest transient. Upon reaching an encampment, the user can activate the “citation capsule,” discharging virtual citations to trap the offender. By simply dragging a finger across the screen, the user is able to fling these violation notices at the target, trapping them indefinitely in the portal.

To incentivize users, the app rewards points to especially active trappers, and these points can be redeemed at City Hall for small, non-cash rewards, like keychains and lanyards.
“Our Ad Hoc committee has been working tirelessly by the water cooler at City Hall to come up with a solution to the problem,” Mayor Pro Tem Cameron Smyth said. “This was honestly the best we could do.”

The application also allows users to connect with other players while capturing the homeless.

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“You should just see Main Street at night,” Councilman Bob Kellar said. “It really brings the community together. This app is the one thing that keeps us from becoming the San Fernando Valley.”

For more information about HomelessnessGo and what you can do to further alienate the homeless, take a deep, long look at the person in the mirror staring back at you, or visit ww.Santa-Clarita.com.

Interns Wanted to Educate Bob Kellar about Reefer

Due to the recent legalization of marijuana in the state of California, the city is searching for young, street-wise interns to explain how marijuana works to Bob Kellar.

The city will be conducting a series of interviews in order to find the right candidate – preferably someone with enough patience and willpower to sit through hours of “back in my day…” and unwarranted real estate advice. Candidates are expected to know the difference between household spices and marijuana, and successfully list the distinct differences to the senior councilmember.

“With this project, the city hopes to end Kellar’s night terrors concerning the state of “dope in Santa Clarita,” said a city spokesperson. “Hopefully we will live to see a day when Bob ceases to break into the office at night (in just a robe), grab his trusty baseball bat and hunt for skateboarders who are out past curfew.”

SCV Cover Band Index Reaches Dangerous Proportions

The City of Santa Clarita recently announced the line-up for this summer’s Concerts in the Park – but experts are now warning the public of an impending crisis that could shake the city to its core.

Every summer, the city hosts a slew of bands at Central Park, while families picnic and teenagers try cigarettes. This year, however, the city’s CBI (Cover Band Index) is at an all-time high. Our town has never seen numbers like this, leading scientists and residents concerned about the consequences.

“It’s not necessarily the number of cover bands that is concerning this year,” a local geologist commented. “It’s the sheer magnitude, and potential energy, of the kinds of bands that are set to play this year.”

It’s Green Day. It’s the Foo Fighters. It’s catastrophe. Every single name on the lineup has enough potential energy to activate the inner angst in most middle-aged residents, and stir the existing angst in the smoking teenagers.

“What we’re looking at here is a humanitarian crisis in the making,” FEMA administrator Brock Long said. “First, one person starts head-banging, and the next thing you know, Uncle Greg is engaging in a mosh pit by the playground. That multiplied by the power of cover bands who try really hard. … It’s a mess.”

In fact, each cover band has a measurable effect on specific portions of the venue, beginning with aging fans at the front, followed by excitable parents in the middle, surrounded by emo/fringe teenagers on the outskirts. These hotspots determine how widespread the damage will be in direct relation to demographic.

“Slipping in a Tom Petty cover band isn’t going to be enough to cool things down,” a police officer said. “We will do the best we can this year to prevent as many white people from bouncing up and down to music as possible.”

Council OKs Court-Ordered ‘Time-Outs’

After a rather raucous council meeting concerning Santa Clarita’s stance on sanctuary cities, Mayor Laurene Weste quickly discovered the need for order in the chamber. Her solution: time-outs designed for grown adults.

At future council meetings, Weste reserves the right to “put naughty men and women in the corner until they learn how to behave.” If public participation gets out of hand, offenders will be escorted by sheriff’s deputy to the corner of the room until they have thought about what they’ve done.

“We will not have name-calling in public,” Bob Kellar said. “We reserve that kind of talk for the grown-ups in my cigar room.”

This initiative will take much-needed sheriffs off of the streets and put them in the council chambers where they will kindly ask the public to put signs away – over and over again.

“Our sheriffs have been training vigorously to perfect stern looks and ear-grabbing techniques,” Weste said. “I’m excited to see it carried out at our next meeting when we, as a city, take a stance on the war in Iraq.”

City Creates Santa Clarita Coloring Book
Draw Your Life in SCV ‘More Interesting’

With a colorful, 30-year history that includes industrial development, population growth, and fires of disastrous proportions, the next logical step for our beloved municipality was to turn that rich history into a minimalistic coloring book for folks of all ages. And that, we have.

Thanks to the personalization opportunities of this project, owners of the book have the chance to make the art their own. Draw yourself introspectively thinking on that weird bridge in the wash by Magic Mountain. While you’re at it, color in some friends. You can draw anything to make it drastically different than your life off the pages. After all, you are the one coloring by yourself.

Be prepared to rip open that 32-pack of crayons and use that brown to color in rockin’ landmarks like the Oak of the Golden Dream, a hut, and of course, that weird bridge in the wash by Magic Mountain. Draw yourself looking 15 pounds thinner, lying next to the oak. In the picture, you look like you did in college before Maria broke your heart. And there you are, cherishing the sturdiness of that oak; the kind of sturdiness that you were never able to achieve in your relationship with Maria.

This local interactive activity will enrich the lives of children across our valley. Never before have students been able to satiate their ever-growing urges to give their artistic take on that butterfly-looking sculpture at Central Park. And, even though you are no longer a student, you are a student of life. Use your experienced hands to re-create your 21st birthday on the page. It’s December, it’s cold, and in this reality, Maria managed to show up. In fact, everyone did. They all remembered in this world. Maria didn’t laugh at your request for a Bionicle as a present for your adult birthday. She delivers. You are all smiling around the butterfly with glee.

Because of Santa Clarita’s latest attempt to bring culture into the valley, the possibilities to heal old wounds and disconnect from reality are endless.

Bob Unleashes ‘Killer Kellar’ Council Smack-Down Play-by-Play

During Tuesday’s Council Smack-Down, Killer Kellar issued fatal blows to Municipal Mutilator McLean. The two had it out for the whole ring to see, with a penalty given by Civic Slayer Smyth.

The fight was far from clean, and began after Wild Weste decided to retire her famous move, the “gavel grapple.” Killer Kellar tackled Municipal Mutilator McLean during the first quarter.

Referees failed to step in, despite McLean’s claim that the move “came from fifth field.” The refs refused because “there’s literally no such thing as fifth field.”

The time-out was enacted after Civic Slayer Smyth called for the move after McLean’s plea. The solution: sudden death by discussion.

Killer Kellar was first to fight. Assisted listening devices engaged. No turning back.

K.K. issued the “kush-krusher,” a tactic usually used against skateboarders with an affinity for reefer. This incapacitating blow can send a fighter flying all the way to San Fernando – where the grass is literally greener. This time the kush-krusher was aimed at the Municipal Mutilator, but she held strong.

“Double-M” McLean fought back as hard as she could, bringing out the “passive-aggressive punch.” This is often combined with the phrase “as a strong woman,” accompanied by words like “resent” and “do not appreciate.”

Wild Weste came to the rescue in the third quarter, suggesting a vote after sudden death. The Municipal Mutilator earned victory by a slim margin, but did not get away without a final hit from the Civic Slayer, as did each of the fighters. Smyth made sure each member got an old-fashioned civic slaying.

All in all, it was a dirty fight. The unexpected elbow drop from Killer Kellar will go down in history as the freak move “from fifth field.”

Civics for the Civically Unengaged

If you are a registered voter in the City of Santa Clarita, chances are you got a packet from the government within the past few weeks. And if you are anything like everyone else, you couldn’t care less.

For the most part, people would rather play in traffic than get involved in the political process. The government needs to create new methods to engage voters in a way that is interesting and worthwhile. Until then, here are some entry-level ways in which citizens can get involved with this primary.

Use the Ballot as a Coaster

The pages of a ballot have been proven to retain more water than the average piece of junk mail. Even through enduring weeks of water spills, we still manage to push our pens onto those meaningless pages and record dentist appointment times. Those primary ballots make sturdy coasters, and you can rest easy knowing that your democratic duty did not go to waste.

The Ballot Drinking Game

This isn’t your average drinking game. This one is called the “Civic Sip.” Every time you see a name you have never heard of, take only a sip. Because you will be very intoxicated by the end.

The Ransom Note

Don’t you hate it when you have to go to CVS and buy a magazine just to get some illegal cash? A ballot provides free material. Simply cut out the letters, and you have yourself a perfect crime. No more thumbing through Time magazine just to blackmail your ex-wife. Now, you can have your cake and exploit it, too.
Murder Mystery

Have a few friends over. Assign each friend a name that you see on the ballot. Have them create a character based on the name and occupation. For example, you could be Nickolas Wildstar, the Libertarian Recording Artist. Or, you could fancy yourself to be Shubham Goel, the unaffiliated Virtual Reality Manager. Either way, you are going to have the time of your life attempting to fill those shoes in a murder-mystery setting.

Frisbee

You’ve thrown it into the trash before – now try throwing it to your son, for once. Enjoy an afternoon in the park tossing the symbol of democracy back and forth, all while solving our nation’s obesity crisis. You won’t regret it.

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About Sarah

Sarah is a student at College of the Canyons and likes to take long walks on the beach. She loves everything jazz, and is aware of every kind of cheese known to man. There's no such thing as a perfect woman, but if there were, she is second to last - and she'll take it.

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