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And the Winner is …

| Opinion | May 16, 2019

by Dale Paule

Well, the Academy Awards have come and gone, and it appears even fewer people tuned in to watch it than in any previous year since it all began back in 1929.

So that got me to thinking; what would it take to regain that lost audience?

The answer was obvious – fresh talent!

But where to find it?  By the look and sound of some of the “stars” topping the Academy’s criteria for excellence, they’ve already scraped the bottom of the talent barrel.

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Maybe the answer could be a bigger barrel, or maybe a different one?

What do you suppose would happen if they combined the Motion Picture Academy Awards with some other entertainment group? Who could fit in?  The answer came to me like a flash. “Politicians!”

I mean, what the heck? They’re already darned close to being in the same business anyway, right?

Actors and politicians share a common goal of displaying their gift of emoting dialogue; the actor, by reading lines from a script written by someone else, and the politician from a playbook, also written by someone else.  Both exhibit this talent by giving the impression they’re mouthing original thoughts, when actually they have little or no idea what they’re talking about!

It would be a perfect match when you think about it, because like actors, politicians love being in front of a camera, which makes them a natural for it! I’m sure some even already have a S.A.G. card.

There may be a small problem concerning money, however. Everyone knows that Hollywood “stars” make a fantastic amount of money performing for the public, while the political “star” makes an even more fantastic amount of money for their performances.

It’s a sure bet they wouldn’t be all that willing to take such a drastic cut in pay. Luckily though, there’s more than one way to reward a politician. Then there’s that coveted prize, the gold-plated Oscar to consider. Actors would never be willing to share it with anyone not of their profession.

A new symbol of achievement would have to be created for the politicians. What about a platinum statuette of similar size, and of gender-neutral appearance, in keeping with prevailing norms?  It would definitely require a new, unique title. How’s this one sound?

“Community Recognition and Appreciation Presentation.”  C.R.A.P., for short!

And finally, we come to the categories.

First Category:

“Do as I say, not as I do.”

Second Category:

“Blowing with the wind.”

Third Category:

“Making fiction appear as fact, and vice-versa.”

“The envelope please.”

“And, the winner is…”

Category one:

Nancy Pelosi for her refusal to allow the lowly Geese to mingle with her gifted Ganders.

Category two:

All politicians of both parties excel at this skill; so a special C.R.A.P. award, in the form of a small, brass, tie-tack will replace the usual trophy, and will be awarded to all politicians in the spirit of being “Fair and Balanced!”

Category three:

CNN, MSNBC, ABC, et al.

Well, that should do the trick. I’m sure next year, we’ll be seeing and hearing a lot of C.R.A.P.!

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