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Bob Unleashes ‘Killer Kellar’ Council Smack-Down Play-by-Play

| Opinion | December 13, 2018

During Tuesday’s Council Smack-Down, Killer Kellar issued fatal blows to Municipal Mutilator McLean. The two had it out for the whole ring to see, with a penalty given by Civic Slayer Smyth.

The fight was far from clean, and began after Wild Weste decided to retire her famous move, the “gavel grapple.” Killer Kellar tackled Municipal Mutilator McLean during the first quarter.

Referees failed to step in, despite McLean’s claim that the move “came from fifth field.” The refs refused because “there’s literally no such thing as fifth field.”

The time-out was enacted after Civic Slayer Smyth called for the move after McLean’s plea. The solution: sudden death by discussion.

Killer Kellar was first to fight. Assisted listening devices engaged. No turning back.

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K.K. issued the “kush-krusher,” a tactic usually used against skateboarders with an affinity for reefer. This incapacitating blow can send a fighter flying all the way to San Fernando – where the grass is literally greener. This time the kush-krusher was aimed at the Municipal Mutilator, but she held strong.

“Double-M” McLean fought back as hard as she could, bringing out the “passive-aggressive punch.” This is often combined with the phrase “as a strong woman,” accompanied by words like “resent” and “do not appreciate.”

Wild Weste came to the rescue in the third quarter, suggesting a vote after sudden death. The Municipal Mutilator earned victory by a slim margin, but did not get away without a final hit from the Civic Slayer, as did each of the fighters. Smyth made sure each member got an old-fashioned civic slaying.

All in all, it was a dirty fight. The unexpected elbow drop from Killer Kellar will go down in history as the freak move “from fifth field.”

Satire (in case you can’t tell)

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About Sarah

Sarah is a student at College of the Canyons and likes to take long walks on the beach. She loves everything jazz, and is aware of every kind of cheese known to man. There's no such thing as a perfect woman, but if there were, she is second to last - and she'll take it.

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