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Which GOP Mistake Are You?: A Horoscope

| Opinion | June 15, 2017

Most people have heard of horoscopes and astrology — but, did you know that the month you were born connects your future, and your personality, to a disastrous GOP malfunction?

Sean Spicer Holocaust Whoopsie (January-February)

You constantly get stuck with the task of getting your friends out of trouble. You always get the brunt of things, and sometimes, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. Girl, spend more time figuring yourself out, because you are a huge mess. A visit to a library or commemorative museum  is in your future.

James Comey Getting the Boot (March-May)

You stick with what you believe, even if nobody else does, or if it is bad timing. And girl, you sure know about that bad timing. You tend to not let things go, but I guess you pay the price! It might be a good idea to turn off the TV and take more walks this month.            

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Michael Flynn Investigation (June-July)

You are a social butterfly. But, sometimes this can get you into trouble. People go to you for advice — but loyalty? Guess again, girl! You go from friend to friend, and now no one can trust you. Sure, your BFF will back you up, but good luck getting help from anyone else. Cherish the last days of your job this month.

WikiLeaks Russian Scandal (August-October)

You can’t seem to get enough of other people’s drama. You are a gossip queen! But when it comes to your own drama — girl, get a handle on yourself. Life for you isn’t going so hot, so get yourself together or you will have some explaining to do. This is a great month to stay indoors.

Donald Trump (November-December)

You are the boss of all of your friends, and you always dish it. But girl, if you think you can take it, guess again. Your sensitivity is bringing everyone else down, and that sucks, especially when you make a name for yourself for calling everyone else out. Don’t think for a second that your clique doesn’t notice that kind of stuff. Ouch! This month is the time to count your chips and cash out on any investments you probably have.

**WARNING: SATIRE. The Views and Opinions expressed in these columns are those of the writer, not necessarily those of SCV Publications/Santa Clarita Gazette.**

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About Sarah

Sarah recently graduated from Saugus High School and likes to take long walks on the beach. She loves everything jazz, and she knows every kind of cheese known to man. There is no such thing as a perfect woman – but if there were, she is second to last: and she’ll take it.

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