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Man Forgets to Bring Chair to Parade: Arrested for Sitting, Violating Municipal Code

| Opinion | November 29, 2018

(Satire)

An unlucky member of the Smith family was arrested after he forgot to bring a chair to the local holiday parade.

“He made the fatal mistake of thinking he could get away with sitting on the sidewalk to watch the festivities,” said the sheriff who arrested Smith. “The law is the law.”

Smith thought he was safe, wearing a holiday sweater and a blue tooth in his ear. However, sheriff’s reports suggest that his jeans were a size too big, an indicator of homelessness.

“Look, being sheik can make or break you in a scenario like this,” said Councilman Bob Kellar, hypocritically wearing last year’s colors.

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Officials also arrested a grumpy teen who was waiting in the car for his family, claiming he was “basically living in the thing.”

“He was leaning up against the window like he owned the place,” said the sheriff. “Orders are orders.”

Santa Clarita has been cracking down on homelessness since this summer, pinpointing homeless behaviors and criminalizing them for the good of the city.

“Look, you are safe if you don’t take breaks during a jog, wait for the bus, accidentally rest your head at the library, have too many items in your shopping cart, have messy hair, get a stain on your shirt, enjoy the day on a park bench while wearing an oversized sweater, or sing to yourself while walking to work,” the sheriff said. “It’s not rocket science.”

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About Sarah

Sarah is a student at College of the Canyons and likes to take long walks on the beach. She loves everything jazz, and is aware of every kind of cheese known to man. There's no such thing as a perfect woman, but if there were, she is second to last - and she'll take it.

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