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Nudist Colony to Open in Santa Clarita

| Opinion | April 27, 2019

by Harry Parmenter with a bit of satire

When the foolishness of April springs into the first and then last days of May, June arrives, and with it, Summer. And this year, Santa Clarita will raise the heat index by welcoming its first ever nudist camp!

“Grin and Bare It” will open its kimono Memorial Day weekend to create mamm, er, memories for the young at heart of all ages. Embracing diversity and inclusion in a big way, the camp will be staffed by craftsman, servers and entertainers spanning the hottest gender trends, from cis, cishet, trans, non-binary and, of course, yahoo (see Travels, Gulliver’s). However, those who identify as simply “man” or “woman” will also be encouraged to join the fun and take a bite out of Adam’s apple at the camp’s own Garden of Eatin’, among other attractions.

“It’s going to be a safe place for anyone who can leave their inhibitions, not to mention their clothes, behind,” says Elke Winter, co-owner of “Grin and Bare It.” Her business and life partner, Pierre Cellars, concurs: “We decided to take a shot in the dark and open our doors, minds and bodies to the inviting Santa Clarita Valley, from Generation A to Z.”

“Grin and Bare It,” (or GABI, as Elke and Pierre like to call it), will be nestled deep in the rich foothills of Haskell Open Space (or HOS, as Elke and Pierre like to call it). The 35-acre compound formerly known as Spawn Ranch, home of the legendary 19th century Manzin Clan, will feature a dining room, a common room, an uncommon room, a meditation room, a pool, a pool room, a bool room (where people can bare their souls and shoot the bool), a fire pit, a picnic area, and a wide assortment of outdoor activities including ping pong, pickleball, chess, checkers, horseshoes and Erica’s Mahjong corner.

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The sprawling grounds will also feature special sections devoted to various demographic groups such as Gen Z’s “We’re Kind of a Big Deal,” Millenials’ “We’re Kind of a Bigger Deal,” a unique gender sing-along room called LGBTQRXSTUPALLADOCIOUS and a very special Baby Boomer sanctuary, “It’s Definitely Five O’Clock Somewhere.”

“We just want everyone to feel they belong, to get in touch with themselves,” said Pierre, “but preferably not others,” interrupted Elke. “Me too,” Pierre quickly added, speaking from his stand-up desk at GABI HQ. “Everything we are doing will be designed to amplify the message of inclusion and diversity, even down to the music that plays in the park. Pierre is the DJ,” Elke added, beaming. “I am what I play,” he said.
Pierre’s privates, as he likes to call the camp’s rotating soundtrack, will include a song mix sure to leave a trail to the camp, including Puffy Daddy’s “Locker Dem Clothes Up,” “Nekkid Came the Yeti,” by John Boston and the Honby Hogs, “Nude, Noodge, Nod Off,” by the Jewish Muthas, The Kardashian Sistahs’ “Unlike a Virgin,” and absolutely nothing by Kate Smith.

Naturally, news of “Grin and Bare It’s” opening has sparked controversy in the SCV. Saugus resident Seymour Evitall commented, “I just think it’s wrong, getting naked and such. The birds and the bees stick together, or nest, or whatever, by themselves, I think,” he said. “A ‘meditation room,’ really?” said Lord of the New Church pastor Hans Reenging. “And I’ve heard about ‘pickleball’ thank you, no. It’s the devil’s dill-iberate attempt to spread this Green Plan I’ve heard so much about. Next thing you know they’ll be pairing off for Yahtzee.”

“Look, we know a lot of folks aren’t comfortable in their skin,” Elke said decisively, clad only in a pair of flip flops. “Clothes make the man, but when nature calls, everyone answers,” said Pierre, thumbing through a copy of Thoreau’s Walden Pond.

“Grin and Bare It” will have a soft opening the week before Memorial Day but the owners expect word of mouth to spread like suntan lotion as the temperature rises. “Some like it hot,” said Tony Lemmon, GABI gender general, “and we expect folks from Calgrove to Canyon Country to put on their happy birthday suits and come on down.”

The camp will have an age requirement of 21, with a senior discount, ample parking and therapy dog access. Tobacco smoking is verboten, but medicinal marijuana will be available at “The Roundup Weed Canteen,” which is apparently a killer. BYOB is left to your imagination.

“We wanted to launch the first of April but ran into local politics,” said Pierre as Elke shushed him. “Oh never mind that, Pete,” she said, winking at a writer who averted his eyes throughout the interview. “Let’s just say a little Indian with a big Tomahawk named Doug got his bow bent when he heard about us … that rant of his gets people all lathered up!”

“We got to know the City Council on a first name basis,” added Pierre. “We extended them a free pass for Memorial Day weekend,” said Elke, slipping her sunglasses on. “That would certainly send a Signal to the local community, now wouldn’t it?”

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2 Responses to “Nudist Colony to Open in Santa Clarita”

  1. Mike Jones on May 5, 2019 @ 8:28 am

    No website?

  2. Keath Graham on May 10, 2019 @ 12:37 am

    Please stop using the antiquated term “nudist colony.” That went out of fashion in the late 50s.

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