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Petzold, Ferdman and Farley Now Honorary Members of Punk Band ‘Streetlight Manifesto’

| Opinion | January 3, 2019

(Satire)

For the past few weeks, three concerned Santa Clarita citizens have addressed grievances against the city’s latest proposed modification to streetlight assessments that would raise certain property owners’ yearly rates.

The three outspoken individuals, Steve Petzold, Alan Ferdman and James Farley, cared so much about these lights that they caught the attention of popular third-wave ska band Streetlight Manifesto.

“We never thought anyone would actually put out a real Streetlight Manifesto,” lead singer Tomas Kalnoky said. “We just thought the name sounded cool.”

The band’s discography uncannily aligns with that of the trio’s, including the album title, “The Hands That Thieve.”
“Once again, it was just supposed to sound cool. We never thought that it could be a metaphor for a municipality raising taxes for street lights,” Kalonky said.

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The band also recognized these oversight overlords as having “intense anti-establishment, punk-rock energy.”

“Sure, we have mosh-pit energy, but we definitely don’t have the stamina to read through city contracts. They’re in.”

The group is planning to tour in 2019, with three additional bass players now in their line-up.

“We don’t even know if they play bass,” Kalonky said. “But that’s not the point. They’ve earned it.”

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Sarah is a student at College of the Canyons and likes to take long walks on the beach. She loves everything jazz, and is aware of every kind of cheese known to man. There's no such thing as a perfect woman, but if there were, she is second to last - and she'll take it.

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