Replacing Obamacare

| Opinion | March 17, 2017

The American people have had enough. They are fed up with false promises of reform and proactive government. The people of this nation are through trying to clean up the mess that Obama left when he thrust the Affordable Care Act on their shoulders.

In the coming weeks, Republicans will unveil their carefully sculpted masterpiece that will do away with the Affordable Care Act once and for all: an apple, a big glass of mineral water, and a free copy of The Reagan Diaries to inspire hard work and self reliance.

This customizable health care plan depends on several factors – age, gender, religion, and number of Lynyrd Skynyrd albums obtained and stored. For example, those over the age of fifty will be the recipients of a Granny Smith apple. Women will have the right to chose … between a pink glass and a clear glass of water. Muslims and Jews will have the option to reject the apple during times of fasting, but the Reagan readings will remain mandatory.

Under this plan, credits can be earned in order to help individuals pay for other insurance options. To earn these credits, all you have to do is discard your iPhones and send them to your local DMV for impounding. The government will work out a deal with the phone company to refund most of your money – which will be more than enough money to pay for cancer treatment.

Some opponents of this plan argue that a glass of water and fruit is not enough to solve other issues, like the inability to afford emergency surgery. But, socialists are always harping about how the U.S. needs to begin thinking about “preventative healthcare.” Well, the fact is, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, and most diseases are probably the result of dehydration. We have plenty of sources that tell us this, and people in the government have access to information that we do not.


Signing up for the program is simple. Unlike Obamacare, where the website was as useful as a load of bricks, these signup methods are much more relevant and up-to-date. Republicans know how today’s hipsters are fond of nostalgia and rustic vibes. Because of this, they have re-introduced the telegraph, so that clients can communicate with several touches of a button. The youth will love it, and it will create jobs for people who have experience as telegraph operators.

Sign up today at your local post office, or wire an operator with your telegraph, which can be purchased at your local DMV.

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About Sarah

Sarah recently graduated from Saugus High School and likes to take long walks on the beach. She loves everything jazz, and she knows every kind of cheese known to man. There is no such thing as a perfect woman - but if there were, she is second to last: and she'll take it.

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