Logo

SCV Residents Can Now Use Homeless Portal to ‘Help’ Homeless

| Opinion | July 26, 2018

(Satire)

SCV’s latest productive effort to aid the homeless involves a new app called “HomelessnessGO,” which will collect the homeless population and store them in an online database.

Here’s how it works: After downloading HomelessnessGO on a mobile device, the app tracks the user’s real location and leads them to the nearest transient. Upon reaching an encampment, the user can activate the “citation capsule,” discharging virtual citations to trap the offender. By simply dragging a finger across the screen, the user is able to fling these violation notices at the target, trapping them indefinitely in the portal.

To incentivize users, the app rewards points to especially active trappers, and these points can be redeemed at City Hall for small, non-cash rewards, like keychains and lanyards.

“Our Ad Hoc committee has been working tirelessly by the water cooler at City Hall to come up with a solution to the problem,” Mayor Pro Tem Cameron Smyth said. “This was honestly the best we could do.”

Advertisment

The application also allows users to connect with other players while capturing the homeless.

“You should just see Main Street at night,” Councilman Bob Kellar said. “It really brings the community together. This app is the one thing that keeps us from becoming the San Fernando Valley.”

For more information about HomelessnessGo and what you can do to further alienate the homeless, take a deep, long look at the person in the mirror staring back at you, or visit ww.Santa-Clarita.com.

No Tags

  

About Sarah

Sarah is a student at College of the Canyons and likes to take long walks on the beach. She loves everything jazz, and is aware of every kind of cheese known to man. There's no such thing as a perfect woman, but if there were, she is second to last - and she'll take it.

2 Responses to “SCV Residents Can Now Use Homeless Portal to ‘Help’ Homeless”

  1. Some satire just ain’t funny but I understand the mirror effect it SHOULD have on people.

    • Andrew Bastido on July 27, 2018 @ 11:32 am

      This article is hilarious. Not sure what you mean by “mirror affect.” Perhaps articulate your thoughts a little better.

Leave a Reply

Doug’s Rant – Video Edition

  • WatchDoug’s Rant June 22
  • WatchDoug’s Rant June 15