Two Black Friday Employees Pardoned

Sarah | Opinion | November 22, 2018

SATIRE

Two lucky Black Friday employees were pardoned at City Hall last week, relieving them of a fate endured by millions of working Americans every year.

Because Black Friday has grown to become a more economically viable, and thereby more important national holiday than Thanksgiving, the city adopted and transitioned the United States’ pardoning traditions from turkeys, to the literal meat market that is the overworked middle class.

Rather than waking up at 3 a.m. to work at Walmart and become inevitable recipients of verbal abuse for 12-hour shifts, Janet Dunfore and Ray Leefe were given a chance to spend Black Friday as far away from retail as practically possible.

“Last year I saw two elderly women wrestling over a hand massager while I was managing a Brookstone,” said Dunfore. “There are some things human beings just shouldn’t have to see.”

At the ceremony, Mayor Laurene Weste had the honor of pardoning the two lucky Walmart employees. Although both employees were pardoned, a poll was conducted by the city as to who they would elect to be pardoned, similar to the poll that the White House facilitated between their turkeys. Dunfore, who has been chosen for the past six pardons, was selected once again.

Weste deemed the contest a “fair and predictable election.”

“Because Dunfore is the longtime incumbent, it only makes sense that the public would choose him again,” said Weste. “I’m not saying he will be selected again next year, but let’s be honest – he will be.”