As a resident of Santa Clarita, I, like most dutiful citizens living in this orthodox utopia, understand the importance of being safe, presentable, and submissive. This valley is chained together by the camaraderie of like-minded individuals who hold themselves to a higher order. This higher order, the Homeowners Association, is founded on the morals and virtues of community, beige colored walls, and vanilla colored walls.
Let’s face it, tract housing without rules just isn’t tract housing. And what’s Santa Clarita without tract housing? The mall?
But, what exactly is an HOA? Originally a pseudo-government designed to prevent undesirables from ruining property values, these organizations are filled with locals passionate about the fences and lawns of others.
HOAs are formed to shed light on the discrepancies of your home not normally noticed by the average person with a busy schedule. Perhaps your grass is a quarter of an inch too long. Or maybe the color of your house “just won’t do.” Cream, not eggshell for the window panes. This team of investigators makes double sure that your $300 in dues and six-figure mortgages are not ruined by radical home furnishings.
We all know that the three C’s (community, conservatism, and conformity) are indeed essential to a safe, perfect neighborhood. In Santa Clarita, the HOA allows residents to feel safe, knowing that the people next door aren’t planting exotic trees or leaving garbage cans out for too long. You know, things that can really damage our moral values.
And what about pets? As long as they are less than 50 pounds, neutered, short-haired, well-behaved, quiet, registered, licensed, vaccinated, and there are only two of them, you should be A-OK!
On one hand, many would consider this type of militia to be tyrannical. On the other hand, those people just don’t understand the importance of detailed newsletters and fence length. As long as citizens suppress my right to private property and NOT the government, all is well.
When being a part of an HOA gets frustrating, just remember that it all pays off in the end. Unless you do something that is against HOA regulations, then a lien can be put on your house and you will be fined until the day you die, or become bankrupt – whichever comes first. So, sit back and enjoy the heavily chlorinated community pool. You’ve earned it.
**Warning: This piece is a satire. The Views and Opinions expressed in this column are those of the writer, not necessarily those of Valley Publications/Santa Clarita Gazette.**